The Relationship as a COUPLE

An intimate relationship can be a very complex thing if not approached and dealt with in the all-important manner that it requires. One would imagine that after having experienced many relationships in the past one would become somewhat an “expert” on the topic by reason of encounters. Then why are there an ever increasing number of bed-hopping, break-up and make-ups, divorce, etc.? Then on the flip side of the coin the question begs to be asked – why do childhood sweethearts, first loves, etc. last?

I’m of the opinion that many people are the cause of their own heartbreak and love TKO’s. Some feel that they are not entitled to be loved for who they are – may that be on a conscious on subconscious level. Others just don’t love themselves enough to allow another into their hearts and lives. The psychology of this matter is probably so immense and intricate that one would hear various theories on the matter of falling in love and staying there long enough to build a life with the other person. Which brings me to a whole lot of questions actually...?

1. What attracts people to one another?
We’ve all heard the terms “physical attraction” and “love at first sight”. Can one actually fall in love with another at first glimpse? How do you know you are in love with a person without knowing the attributes that person possesses? There are no definite answers to these questions as the sceptics and idealists are still debating the in’s and out’s thereof. The idea of meeting someone and immediately falling in love with that person sure does sound romantic. Imagine logging your eyes on the other person and feeling those feelings of euphoria. Butterflies; little droplets of sweat while there’s an obvious breeze in there air; shortness of breath. All sounds a bit far fetched if you think about it. Yet so many people claim to have experienced that phenomenon. So let’s rest that the verdict is still out on that one.

Then there’s physical attraction. We all have the image of our perfect “Barbie” or “Ken” in our mind. The type we look at when sitting in a restaurant that makes us look again and say hmmmm – to ourselves of course. However that is different in such that you’re in love with an idea more than with the person as appose to the afore mentioned point. It is like going to a fast food place whilst being on a diet and just checking out the menu. You then remind yourself (internally) of what you’re not allowed to have for it might be deadly – especially if your diet means you’re in a commitment with another.

2. Do opposites really attract?
Initially the person that are most UNLIKE you would seem attractive in the sense of what seems socially interesting it appears. "If the qualities that attract you to someone are different from your own, be cautious," says Dr. Neil Clark Warren, clinical psychologist and author of "Date or Soul Mate”. Then it is safe to assume opposites attract for a short while only – until you start driving each other up the wall. Having a few characteristics and interests different from your partner’s could bring about a healthy dose of freedom too one can imagine. While the one is out playing golf the other is out playing squash, because this is what they enjoy separately. But now if the one likes to go clubbing and the other prefers the opera you might find it a bit a of a challenge to find an equilibrium. How would you share the stereo and what would you listen to when you are together? Doing the different sport however could mean time apart (after all absence makes the heart grow fonder) but coming home sharing your separate experiences of the day and arranging dinner together with your sport partner and their significant other. The difference here could expand the relationship into a social dynamic that could keep the spark alive. Subtle difference is therefore manageable and probably even necessary. Too much of an opposite could just leave a bad taste in the mouth...

3. How much must two people have in common to make it work and last?
Here, sharing social interests and activities are as important as reciprocal respect. Both parties must have a mutual interest in keeping the relationship alive and share goals in growing the relationship in partnership as a unit. They must be able to talk about anything and everything and really listen and hear each other out. There is of course no such thing as 50/50 in a relationship. Both must be 100% committed – ask Dr. Phil he’ll confirm this. Enjoying the same food, movies, literature, recreational interests could not hurt either as sharing the interests becomes an imminent element of this partnership. All easier said than done though, because the selfishness of only one can throw the whole unit out of sync. Ask anyone at the divorce court. So, become more interested in the other, include the other in your interests and come to mutual agreements for the sake of the relationship and all that depend on it. A little humility cannot harm either.

4. Why is the grass greener on the other side?
As human beings we are believed to be evolutionary in manner, meaning we change our mind as we change our character. What was once good enough no longer is what we think or believe needed in our lives. So we develop what is commonly referred to as the roaming eye. It is then that we start discovering that our “Barbie” or “Ken” is not so out of reach after all. That eating from the fast food place might kill later, but what the heck – let’s live a little now! Later when the life support system is called upon, regret steps in. Too little too late then isn’t it?


5. What are the rules of a casual relationship?
This works for some more than it does for others. In translation it means – friends with “benefits”. Yes, sex without emotions attached to it. Prostitutes have it with their clients, only they get paid for it. This is dangerous as; sooner or later someone will start wanting more and one or both end up hurt. Let’s do the dirty and not have the emotional responsibility or obligation that goes with it. - Here the “couple” would hook up because they’re lonely, feel restless or just plain horny, yet feel no need to be loyal in anyway to one another. How healthy is this? How do you refer to each other? Hello there meet my friend, my fling, fuddy, the person I sleep with, someone I care enough for to “make love to” but don’t care enough for to love. Well I guess it could work if it works for both. Not the safest bet if you’re as an emotional being as some.


So in essence I conclude that one should first have a sound relationship with self and once that is established will we draw people of same mind set to us to start a fresh relationship of sort we desire. We can then work on it mutually and see it grow from strength to strength.