New Years Resolutions

January 1 is a day celebrated by all of us – old or young, boy or girl, married or not, burdened or less consumed. When the clock strike 0H00 we all make sure we have a glass of bubbly in our hands and we kiss and wish our loved ones. We are even civil with a perfect stranger. We hug and sing songs like AULD LANG SYNE and others. Then we go home to nurse our hang over from the old year. First thing we think is NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS. Is there really a point in torturing yourself like that? We all do it, yet we don’t all stick to them resolutions. I stopped making them a few years ago, but this time of year one always feel tempted to make a list of things we wish to either kiss good bye or improve on.
Here’s what my list looked like year in and year out:
10. Reduce debt
9. Eat healthily
8. Exercise/ (make actual) Use gym (of my) membership
7. Stop smoking
6. Lose weight
5. Spend more time with the family
4. Become more organised
3. Learn something new everyday
2. Be more charitable
1. Love me more

How many on that list did I actually commit to the times when I made that list? If I remembered I had the list past end Jan it would be incredulous.

Although many of us deny such we would make up these lists because we feel we failed in certain aspects of our lives in the past year/s. Or we feel we need to improve as people in some desperate way or the other. Don’t get me wrong I’m all for improving and development of self as long as it’s constructive and consistent with the needs of others in our lives too. Too often we are absorbed in our own selfish wants and building up our egos we forget that we are a minimum of a whole yet significant enough to make or break that whole.

I wish you a Glorious 2009 and may your year ahead be filled with joy and laughter. Remember to do good onto others as you too would want others to do good unto you. Lets all be responsible for our actions, be a part of what arouse harmony in your home and in your place of work or study. May the grace of the Almighty God carry you to hights you can only dream of. Let your light shine and may love and peace be what drives your successes in the year ahead. May your winter not be too cold and the summer sun not withhold you from shade. Good luck with the NEW YEARS RESOLUTION. I’ve replaced mine with goals.
God Bless.

Christmas as a Child

My dear (single) mom would work all year through so that we could have food on the table and clothes on our backs. But in December it would be different to her in such that she felt like she worked all year long so we her kids could have an awesome Christmas. When the factory she worked in had their annual break-up my siblings and I would be very excited because we knew we would all go out shopping for new clothes YIPEE! Mom would have a special savings account she’d pump money into all year most year so we could enjoy that Christmas feeling I so fondly remember. She would spend her hard earned money with such joy I recall, because she loved all of us alike.

On the 25th of December at 7 am we would be merrily on our way to Christmas mass and wish all the old aunties and uncles of the congregation A Merry Christmas and of course sport off our new attire. My brother and I would be dressed alike and my mom and the girls would be the mirror image of what ever they would wear…I cringe with that though in mind today. Never the less, we all were convinced we looked sharp and extremely fashionable. With our friends we would compete and see whose clothes looked best, and we all won hands down in our innocent little heads. We shared laughs, ideas of what we thought father Christmas had brought us and whether he really existed. We even shared our sweets…

Then came the Christmas lunch ooooh wow. Granny cooked since the day before and said she only had a couple of hours sleep and nearly dosed off in church as dominee was a little “lang dradig” this year. She’d say that every year though, bless her cotton socks. The entire family would be seated at the table when the clock strikes 1 for mamma’s awesome selection of roasts, yellow rice with raisons and even the festive carrots and peas were delicious. She would make a traditional Christmas pudding from scratch and hide money in it, and each child and adult alike would be so excited and surprised that we found money in pudding. Wow, mamma was awesome she could make veggies taste leka and pudding grow money. Yoh old people are really kwaai.

Time for toys under the Christmas tree. As Gran’s home had no chimney she had to keep the door open for Santa to drop the gifts off. And every year Santa would remember that he had to stop at 28 Hercules Way were Gran lived to drop off gifts for my siblings, my cousins and yours truly. After lunch we would all go and play with our new toys quietly outside while the old people do what they do. I always wondered why Gran didn’t marry Santa the we would have toys all year through…eish she was so silly.

Today not much of all of this has changed. The only sad exception is that mommy and mamma are now in heaven delivering blessings to all God sends them to for they have died and become angels. Oh and now my cousins, my siblings and I have become the old people. Christmas lives on in us and will be passed on in great fashion to our children. Yes we have learned to be a little wiser in spending then our parents and grandparents, but we have an awesome Christmas all the same.

I wish you a Merry Christmas too. Where ever you are and who ever you would be celebrating it with – be blessed and remember the true meaning of Christmas as it was taught to you.

Last Night

Last night I was at a social with friends form church. What an awesome time I had with saved and unsaved alike at the very same venue. My conclusion is that we’re all pretty much alike, we only conduct ourselves with different sets of principles – even as individuals – saved or unsaved.

Yesterday was kind of a down day for me emotionally (in fact the past week was) and I prayed that I would get out of this morbid mood and look at the positives in my life and the past experiences. In particular the positives of the person I’ve met and fallen hard for. Many questions crossed my mind…one in particular; “why me”.

There’s no answer to that question in my mind as yet. We fall in love, we fail in love and we have to heal our hearts when we fall out of love.

Being with this group of friends made me feel as if I actually belong somewhere. Meeting new people made me realize I am not that bad. Talking about my issues of the heart and confiding in my friends made me feel better. Last night I realised I am not alone, and even though my friends are very busy, they’re just a phone call away. Sometimes talking (really talking) from and about the heart has healing consequences.

I came to this conclusion. I deserve to be happy and only I am responsible for that happiness. Yes I wanted to be happy with the one I was with for this past few of months, but I cannot force anyone to be with me. So; last night I realised I actually like myself too much to allow myself all this pain.

Here’s to a new day!
Cheers!

What is forgiveness? I looked at a few definitions and thought I’d mark them down for you.

It is the act of excusing a mistake or offense.

Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment .

The free gift of God whereby, upon sincere repentance, the believer's sins are forgiven and he or she is put into right standing with God.

A choice the forgiver makes to let go of resentment held in the forgiver's mind of a perceived wrong or difference, either actual or imagined .

We are all responsible for the level of our personal happiness – this I believe firmly. What we choose to harbour and hold within is who we are bound to become. If we walk around with sadness within us we will ultimately become sad beings. If we walk around with hatred we will ultimately become hateful beings. The same is true with forgiveness. If we are able forgive we will become forgiving beings free from our own entrapment.

Forgiveness has incredible power and enables us as beings to move on to greater things in life. When we think forgiveness we must also think of forgiving ourselves at the same token as we’re willing to forgive the wrong doer. Often we blame ourselves for the harm others do to us. We think: “If I did not go there it would not have happened”. Thinking like this will eventually make us fearful to go out. We also have thoughts like: “If I did not say this that would not have happened”. Should we be mutes? Also: “If I allowed her to do it her way she would never had the need to rebel”. This may all be probable, but unnecessary to blame yourself for a thing that was inevitable anyway. Forgive yourself first. Say, I forgive myself for allowing him to hurt me, I forgive myself for allowing her to take advantage of me, I forgive them for taking away from me....etc. This in my I believe is a very powerful and enabling tool. It equips one with the ability to really and truly forgive another. Forgiving people is truly liberating as it opens your heart and mind to the reality of how fallible we all truly are. We are so conditioned not to make mistakes that we forget to live sometimes. Forgiving others also makes you aware that it’s ok for yourself to mess up from time to time and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move along. You have only one chance to live your life. Every choice you make will either make or break situations in our lives, but we have to keep on living this one life. Forgive.

Now of course I am not suggesting we should be completely oblivious to the deliberate evil and common destruction of some individuals out there. Be aware; be very aware of your foes as they are real. But it’s probably not even your fault that they are the nasty buggers they are. They are angry at the bully from their past, their daddy did not love them, their mommy never felt it important to hug them, their lives are not what they want it to be, so they want to make your life a misery too. Forgive them, and move away as fast and far away from them as possible.

I once asked someone to forgive me for something I had done. I felt true remorse for the pain I caused that person. My intentions were not to cause hurt or pain, but I did so inadvertently. My motive was selfish and spurred on by the moment, not thinking of the consequences. Be that as it may, I take full responsibility for the repercussions of my actions. When I asked the injured party of my actions to forgive me, the person told me only God has the power to forgive. Even though I understood that very well (and I asked God to forgive me) it still seems necessary for me to get the forgiveness of the person I had hurt. I made peace with it now as I cannot change the past. I must now soar gracefully on the wings of my own forgiveness and learn from the very dear price I have to pay for that mistake. I trust that one day that person will be able to forgive me for what my actions caused.

Another definition for forgiveness could be - giving up my right to hurt you, for hurting me. It is impossible to live on this fallen planet without getting hurt, offended, misunderstood, lied to, and rejected.

TRUST

I'm reminded by the lyrics of a clasic song - When I fall in love, it will be completely. That is and has always been my principle. I dream of being in love and sharing my joys and tears with someone I can trust. But it’s so hard to allow others to know my feelings, emotions and pre-empt my reactions. It is even harder to have the confidence in them to respect me enough not to take (extreme) advantage of me. For me it’s become increasingly hard to share my inner feelings and thoughts with another and to trust that it will not in some way be used against me. So I guess, the inner sense of acceptance is what is really missing from my life.

I wish I could place the confidence in someone again knowing that my feelings would not be used against me indiscriminately. It has happened to me too often for me not to be weary. With the result that I unintentionally and at times unknowingly deprive myself of the joy of having others see who I truly am. Be it safe to say I even have the inclination to sabotage my own chance for happiness. Is this perhaps because I come from a home where I saw my mom unhappy in her relationships? Am I carrying the ghost of her past along with me? When and how can and will I make it stop? I desperately need to learn to trust again.

A few months ago I met this wonderful person and we hit it off like a house on fire. We had our first meeting (I call it a “non-date”) and I thought it would last an hour like most do. It ended 5 hours later with us talking about another non-date. The chemistry was tangible between us, but we both did the decent thing and said good bye for now and went our separate ways.

We then saw each other again, and again, and again… It went really well. We understood each other and we could really relate. Never have I ever experienced such comfort in the presence of another person.

Happy Christmas to me. I screwed this one up good and solid. I didn’t trust that the person liked me enough. I did not allow myself to go to a vulnerable position of relying that the other person will treat me in a fair, open, and honest way. I screwed up! I’m sorry. Now I must find it in my heart to forgive myself, before the situation perpetuates.

What a way to start a blog….