TRUST

I'm reminded by the lyrics of a clasic song - When I fall in love, it will be completely. That is and has always been my principle. I dream of being in love and sharing my joys and tears with someone I can trust. But it’s so hard to allow others to know my feelings, emotions and pre-empt my reactions. It is even harder to have the confidence in them to respect me enough not to take (extreme) advantage of me. For me it’s become increasingly hard to share my inner feelings and thoughts with another and to trust that it will not in some way be used against me. So I guess, the inner sense of acceptance is what is really missing from my life.

I wish I could place the confidence in someone again knowing that my feelings would not be used against me indiscriminately. It has happened to me too often for me not to be weary. With the result that I unintentionally and at times unknowingly deprive myself of the joy of having others see who I truly am. Be it safe to say I even have the inclination to sabotage my own chance for happiness. Is this perhaps because I come from a home where I saw my mom unhappy in her relationships? Am I carrying the ghost of her past along with me? When and how can and will I make it stop? I desperately need to learn to trust again.

A few months ago I met this wonderful person and we hit it off like a house on fire. We had our first meeting (I call it a “non-date”) and I thought it would last an hour like most do. It ended 5 hours later with us talking about another non-date. The chemistry was tangible between us, but we both did the decent thing and said good bye for now and went our separate ways.

We then saw each other again, and again, and again… It went really well. We understood each other and we could really relate. Never have I ever experienced such comfort in the presence of another person.

Happy Christmas to me. I screwed this one up good and solid. I didn’t trust that the person liked me enough. I did not allow myself to go to a vulnerable position of relying that the other person will treat me in a fair, open, and honest way. I screwed up! I’m sorry. Now I must find it in my heart to forgive myself, before the situation perpetuates.

What a way to start a blog….